Through the Seasons

The Look of Busy

I met a woman yesterday who is in the same boat that I am.  Her and her husband are raising support to serve overseas.  She talked about how her husband was laid back and she was uptight.  Then she said that even when she’s not busy, she still wants to appear busy.

Gulp.  Don’t you hate it when you hear something negative that you can relate with?

I didn’t realize that a bigger goal for me was to appear busy than to actually be busy.  But it’s true.  She said she does it to get affirmation.  I’m not sure of my reward.  It relieves the guilt.  I mean, if I take a nap, obviously I’m doing nothing constructive (because resting between busy periods is inconsequential, right?).  But if I’m pecking away at the computer I sort of trick myself into feeling productive, when I’m doing nothing more than I would be if I were sleeping.  And in fact, I may be doing less because I’m continuing to spin my wheels instead of allowing my body and mind to take a break and replenish themselves. 

Now that I’m aware of this I’d like to know what I’m gaining out of it.  Relieving the guilt but what else?  There are times that I’m just reading blogs and checking the news but because I appear busy I feel okay about that.  If I were to sit on the couch even for a moment I immediatly begin feeling anxious and unproductive.  But it’s all about appearances. 

So that’s my research project now.  To see what all this is stemming from.  I’m not going to make a lot of effort to figure this out.  I feel like God brought this to my attention and in His timing He will teach me.  I am aware and will continue to be so that God can lead me through this.  He’s good about doing that and I trust Him completely. 

(This is not to say I’m never busy.  I have a full schedule.  It’s in the moments that I don’t have something pressing to do that I tend to read the news or the blogs I subscribe to instead of just chilling out for a few minutes.  That’s the issue we’re talking about here.)