Control Freak in Chaos

Yes, today is the due date.

No, I have not had the baby yet.

Yes, I will keep you updated!

I want to explain how Braxton Hicks contractions feel.  But I’m not sure how.  The easiest explanation is to say your whole tummy gets really, really hard for a bit (maybe 30 seconds or longer - haven’t timed them) then relaxes.  They are painless (this is how you know you’re not in real labor).  But that’s not all.  It’s like a sensation goes throughout my body.  It’s really bizarre.  It also almost feels like my heart rate speeds up a little bit or my breathing changes or…something…  I can’t quite put my finger on it.  At first I didn’t know what was happening.  Then I had one at the doctor’s office a few weeks ago and she mentioned it.  I thought, ooooohhhh, that’s what that is.  Okay.  Now I know what to look for.  They call them practice contractions where your body does them gearing up for the real deal.  I’ve read and heard not to worry about distinguishing these from early labor contractions - that you will know the difference.  Of course, I don’t know what they’re talking about.  Yet.  But I believe them and have no false notion that labor would really be this painless.  So for now I just enjoy having my body wisely prepare for its big day. 

I know her only in the Land of Blogs.  She just had her first child last weekend.  If you want to read a beautiful, wonderfully written birth story, click on the link below:

http://thekoalabearwriter.blogspot.com/

You’ll also get a glimpse of how you can pray for me.  :)  Enjoy!

It might be time for me to learn this lesson.  I’ve heard it, listened to it, but I’ve been living in denial.  They say at first the baby runs your life.  The reality is, apparently, that my schedule will no longer be my own.  Sigh.  And I so loved my schedule…

Jonathan and I recently got our calendar out to plan our last few out-of-town trips to visit friends and family, have our baby dedication, and host a “Meet Asher” drop-in.  Now all this is really dependent on when he arrives because he is the reason for the visiting - to introduce him to everyone.  We have had to come face-to-face with the fact that we are completely out of control.  (And since one of us isn’t a control freak it’s not a challenge for both of us.  I won’t tell you which is which.)  We’re as good at planning the timing of his actual birth as we were at timing the pregnancy itself.  And as much as I’d love to plan when we have our second child (Lord willing) I won’t even bother.  I know better.

I am tempted to put my calendar up against my belly and explain to Asher the timeline and when he really needs to come out.  I want to give him a deadline.  I’ve even prayed for my timeline.  Surely God will see the reasonableness of it.  We’ve made plans!  We need to order invitations!  But I know better on this one too.  I just haven’t lost that shred of hope that somehow I can influence the timing of all this.  When my deadline comes and goes, that hope will be gone and I’ll come back to reality with everyone else.  Maybe that will help me to transition into a life run by an infant.  There’s a lesson and something to gain in everything, right?

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.  ~Proverbs 16:9

Well, I’m pretty much there.  My due date is Friday and I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday.  Everything’s still looking good although I may be keeping the baby too happy in there.  :)  I go back to the doctor (midwife, actually) next Wednesday which is 2 days before I become 41 weeks pregnant.  I seriously hope I don’t make it to that appointment. 

I am still 50% effaced, 1 centimeter dilated, and the head is not fully engaged.  But I know he’s trying to get down there because sometimes he grinds into my pelvis and really gets my attention!  I’ve been having Braxton Hicks contractions but nothing more.  I’m grateful that we’re both doing fine and the midwife said that I’d go see them twice a week beginning in my 42nd week - so they’re not worried at all of me going that much past my due date.  Again, I hope I never make it to 41 weeks but I’m just glad no one is panicking and mentioned the big “I” word or anything. 

I really think, and based on statistics it would reasonable to predict, that I’ll go into labor sometime next week.  So I can relax a while longer dreaming my crazy dreams (that’s a whole ‘nother blog post I’ll probably never write) and preparing a little more, if not just mentally and emotionally.  I don’t mind hanging out a while longer and waiting for the perfect timing of the birth of our first baby.  He’ll come when he and God know it’s time for him to.

I think I look around and everyone seems to be doing “it all” by themselves so I figure I should to.  Let’s face it.  This is a very self-sufficient culture (overall, of course…I know there are exceptions). 

I’m in the final stretch of pregnancy.  I’m uncomfortable, in pain, and I get tired a lot.  But I keep pushing through.  I feel like I need a little more help than I used to but my pride keeps me from admitting it.  Until the other day. 

I started feeling crabby and impatient.  That’s a big red flag to me and I knew right away I needed to find its source and nip it in the bud.  A part of me wondered if it was just hormones or a lack of sleep - but deep inside I knew it was more.  I went to Jonathan and said, “I feel sad.”  He asked why to which I had no answer.  Is it pregnancy or situational?  I wasn’t sure.  So we talked about it. 

That’s when I realized I needed help but didn’t want to need help.  The source of my irritability wasn’t as simple as the discomfort and fatigue.  It was, as it usually is, living in an unauthentic way.  That always tends to make me feel frustrated and conflicted.  If I feel one way inside and consistently live as if it wasn’t reality, I don’t function as well.  Jonathan offered to help me more which is nice and it does enable me to preserve my energy but what made me feel immediately better was admitting to him that I was unable to “do it all” as I had basically been pretending to do.

The question now is, how long will it take before I start trying to “do it all” without any help (pretending to have it all together) after Asher is born?  I know in my head…  I’ve read it in books…  And I’ve heard it from mothers…  You can not have it all together when caring for a newborn (especially your first).  You will need help.  It will be hard.  But since my tendency is to press on past my limits I expect it will happen after he’s born and I will have to catch myself, suck it up, and admit to myself and others that I am just a person with normal (and expected) limitations. 

I don’t want to let myself get to a point of impatience before dropping the pride and asking for help.  I’m grateful for Jonathan who recognizes human limits and has no problems with them.  He usually ends up saving me from myself many times.  He is also extremely helpful so I don’t anticipate “doing it all” by myself anyway.  But.  If given the opportunity, I will try.  It’s my personality - and something to be tamed.

A very wise friend told us recently that children benefit from seeing their parents make mistakes and watching how they deal with them.  What an eye opener - an opportunity to drop the goal of perfection!  Asher won’t be perfect either and needs to know it’s okay to make mistakes, not to fret over them, and how to move forward afterwards.  Of course, I have a very short amount of time to learn this myself so I can pass it along to him.  God help me! 

I tend to pre-write my blog posts.  I just have that much to say.  (Actually I’m just that much of a planner.  Help me!)  As of today I have an entry scheduled to post every day through Friday.  But don’t worry.  When labor breaks out, I’ll break in (a little play on words for my Nascar fans).  I promise to put the news here on the blog (up to a certain point anyway - eventually I’ll be too busy with birthing to be blogging).  And if I do go into labor then you see me continuing to post you’ll know they were actually written before-hand.  Didn’t want there to be any confusion…(or not as much confusion anyway)

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.  ~Confucius, Analects

Friday night Jonathan and I went on a date night.  We went out to eat and to see the second National Treasure. 

The movie is about treasure hunters.  And, of course, there are villians who also want the treasure.  You just wouldn’t believe the pains these people go through chasing it.  Treasure they really don’t know anything about.  But they travel to far away lands, solve puzzles, risk their lives, break the law, fight with each other, and it goes on and on…

As I was watching the movie (and trying to ignore how implausible most of it was) I thought, “It’s amazing what people will go through for treasure…wealth…riches…” 

Then I thought of what our true treasure is - the only one that is eternal and doesn’t pass away:

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”  Matthew 13:44-45

It’s so easy to get temporal focused and forget what is actually worth the effort, suffering, and sacrifice - what is the only worthy source of joy and hope.  But somehow a little movie about treasure hunters reminded me of the treasure we look forward to and long for.  It reminded me that the kingdom of heaven, the reality of being with Jesus Himself for eternity, is worth giving everything else up for.

He also says, “In the beginning, O Lord, you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands.  They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment.  You will roll them up like a robe; like a garment they will be changed.  But you remain the same, and your years will never end.”  Hebrews 1:10-12

At the doctor’s office I go to, there are 2 paths to choose from: seeing doctors or midwives.  I have chosen the midwives.  There are 3 that I rotate between.  Now that it is close to my due date they have each felt the baby in my tummy and offered up a guess as to how much the baby will weigh at birth.  The first said 7 pounds, 3 ounces.  The second said 7 pounds, 4 ounces.  A nurse gave a more wide ranged guess of 7 to 7 1/2 pounds (then added “not more than you can deliver”).  I see the third midwife Tuesday.  We’ll see what she says.  Then we’ll see how close they end up being.  If they’re not far off (which they’re probably not going to be WAY far off), that’s a good size: healthy but not huge.  Like the nurse said, “not more than you can deliver”.  I sure hope so!  I’ve heard of babies well over 10 pounds.  Apparently I don’t have a baby that size in me (and if I did, wouldn’t I be able to tell?).