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Trying to do it all
I think I look around and everyone seems to be doing “it all” by themselves so I figure I should to. Let’s face it. This is a very self-sufficient culture (overall, of course…I know there are exceptions).
I’m in the final stretch of pregnancy. I’m uncomfortable, in pain, and I get tired a lot. But I keep pushing through. I feel like I need a little more help than I used to but my pride keeps me from admitting it. Until the other day.
I started feeling crabby and impatient. That’s a big red flag to me and I knew right away I needed to find its source and nip it in the bud. A part of me wondered if it was just hormones or a lack of sleep – but deep inside I knew it was more. I went to Jonathan and said, “I feel sad.” He asked why to which I had no answer. Is it pregnancy or situational? I wasn’t sure. So we talked about it.
That’s when I realized I needed help but didn’t want to need help. The source of my irritability wasn’t as simple as the discomfort and fatigue. It was, as it usually is, living in an unauthentic way. That always tends to make me feel frustrated and conflicted. If I feel one way inside and consistently live as if it wasn’t reality, I don’t function as well. Jonathan offered to help me more which is nice and it does enable me to preserve my energy but what made me feel immediately better was admitting to him that I was unable to “do it all” as I had basically been pretending to do.
The question now is, how long will it take before I start trying to “do it all” without any help (pretending to have it all together) after Asher is born? I know in my head… I’ve read it in books… And I’ve heard it from mothers… You can not have it all together when caring for a newborn (especially your first). You will need help. It will be hard. But since my tendency is to press on past my limits I expect it will happen after he’s born and I will have to catch myself, suck it up, and admit to myself and others that I am just a person with normal (and expected) limitations.
I don’t want to let myself get to a point of impatience before dropping the pride and asking for help. I’m grateful for Jonathan who recognizes human limits and has no problems with them. He usually ends up saving me from myself many times. He is also extremely helpful so I don’t anticipate “doing it all” by myself anyway. But. If given the opportunity, I will try. It’s my personality – and something to be tamed.
A very wise friend told us recently that children benefit from seeing their parents make mistakes and watching how they deal with them. What an eye opener – an opportunity to drop the goal of perfection! Asher won’t be perfect either and needs to know it’s okay to make mistakes, not to fret over them, and how to move forward afterwards. Of course, I have a very short amount of time to learn this myself so I can pass it along to him. God help me!
4 Responses to “Trying to do it all”
February 27th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Dana,
I really resonate with what you wrote. When we first moved to Oregon and had little kids, I wanted to do everything: work, be a great dad, grow our own vegetables, build furniture, have dates with Barbara, and on and on. I think having children really helped cure me of that. Certain things just had to be attended to regardless of what other things I would like to be doing or thought I should be doing. Kids are so incredibly demanding that you are forced to recognize that it is by God’s grace that you can be a parent and that God does indeed pour his power into us, who are but jars of clay.
You do not have a very short time to learn. You have all the rest of your life on this earth (and then I’m not sure how it works in the next life). Asher will see you learn time after time.
Recently I trained in Orlando as a Volunteer Mobilization Coordinator for Wycliffe Assoicates. The first day I felt quite confident because I have lots of computer background and the job uses e-mail, databases, and that sort of thing. But by the second day I was feeling overwhelmed because I couldn’t figure out how to match up a interested party with the right job. I asked a question about it and then was greatly relieved to see the instructors struggling to demonstrate how it is done. Finally, they said, “Well it just takes a lot of background information that you haven’t accumulated yet”. I told them that seeing them struggle was probably the most encouraging part of the whole course. So as you say, when Asher sees you struggle it will often be the most encouraging thing you could do for him. In our weakness, God is glorified. It actually is true.
My heart really goes out to you and Jonathan. I remember those early days of parenting very well. I am glad to be able to tell you that you are going to be wonderful, Godly parents!
February 27th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Thank you for your encouragement! We really needed that!
February 27th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
The thing I’m finding about the whole parenting journey is that it forces us to rely on God more and more (as opposed to trying to work it out for ourselves). And the amusing thing, from what I’ve heard, is that as soon as you do finally get it worked out, you go and have another kid!
February 27th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Our poor guinea pigs. Maybe we get better with each successive child. Maybe?