Through the Seasons

I realize now that I have given the impression that Asher cries a lot.  I should clarify.

I’ve been asked if he’s a good baby.  Of course he is.  No matter what.  If it were true he screamed all the time he’d still be perfect because his fussiness isn’t his fault.  He’s just trying to tell us what he needs.  If he didn’t cry at all, we’d never know to help him.

But he doesn’t scream all the time.  I’ve never been around babies so I didn’t know what to expect.  I thought it was as simple as him crying and me going through a checklist of possible problems, solving it, and him calming down.  At first, this was not our pattern.  It’s getting better.  He’s starting to trust that we’ll be there to help him.  He doesn’t stay as upset for as long as he used to.

I’ve also been asked how much inconsolable crying he does.  Okay, not much.  I’ll admit that in the beginning I thought he did have inconsolable crying.  I now think he could have been consoled if I hadn’t been clueless.  The answer is usually pretty simple with him.  He loves to be held.  Upright.  On the shoulder.  That’s the solution 90% of the time.  The only time I can’t help him is if he’s gassy.  But it does go away and he does end up feeling better. 

Yes, he does get fussy.  Never, it seems, without reason.  We are all learning how to be a family.  We’re figuring out how to help and care for him.  He’s beginning to understand we’re responsive to his needs.  I’m still disturbed by his crying, especially when it escalates to a scream, but isn’t that the way it should be?  If it didn’t phase me then I’d be worried.

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Lo and behold, they do have nursing support groups.  After I wrote my last post but before it was published, I got an email from my doula giving me information on when and where these groups meet in my area.  Ah!  I contacted one of the leaders who was extremely nice and helpful.  She said you could come to the meetings whether or not you’re having any problems.  I think they’re run through La Leche Leage so anyone else on this breastfeeding roller coaster – check it out! 

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What did I hear about nursing while I was pregnant?  “Nursing is natural but not instinctual.”

Well now how could that be!?  I didn’t believe it.  God designed the whole process.  He made a mother’s milk the perfect nutrition for her baby.  They’ve figured it out since the beginning of time.  How hard could it really be?

Hard!

There should really be nursing support groups.  And maybe there are.  Anyone embarking on this journey now or in the near future – a word of warning:  it’s true.  Nursing is natural but not instinctual.  There are challenges.  There is pain.  Apparently you get through it.  I’m still at the beginning.  I’ve come a long way but not out of the woods yet. 

Anyone want to be a part of a support group to encourage each other as we go through our own nursing journeys?  I’m open to it.  And I think it’s important to have help during this time.  I’m determined to give this gift to my child.  Painful or not.  Hard or not.  He’s more than worth it!

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…is that labor and delivery is NOT the most painful part of motherhood.

Real pain and heartache is seeing this

and not being able to help.

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For the past 3 weeks I’ve watched my patience level diminish.  At first I was running on adrenaline.  Now I’m just tired. 

I’m not jovial.  I’m not sociable.  The dogs drive me nuts.  Everything has the potential of driving me nuts.

It’s weird because things are getting better.  The nursing is working out and becoming more enjoyable.  I’m feeling less like a machine and have been able to spend more quality time with Asher.  I’m eating actual meals instead of just grabbing a quick bite here and there when I get extremely hungry.  I feel connected to my friends and I’ve gotten out some. 

Okay, so maybe I’m still not getting adequate sleep but I’m going to have to give up that dream anyway.  I assume my body will adjust.  Right?!?  And it’s true that I’ve slept less the last couple nights and I don’t guess I can handle any loss of the little bit of broken sleep I’m getting these days. 

With that said, I’m off to try to get some shut eye…  after I feed Asher…  and pump…  and fix lunch…  and clean up after lunch…  and start a load of laundry…  and probably by then it’ll be time to feed Asher again…  sigh…  But I will get some extra sleep today…  I need it.

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I heard it was hard.  They said babies cry.  I was told it’s all give and no take for a long time in the beginning.  While watching others go through this transition I saw how you could feel like a machine instead of a person.

But I still wasn’t prepared.  No matter how clearly someone may have explained it to me, I couldn’t have fathomed this.

Before Asher was here I pictured a happy family.  And a happy baby.  Sweet, little bundle of joy who we would be responsible for.  A beautiful baby boy who would be joining us – who we would pour our love onto.  Memories in the making.

But I think I cry as much as Asher does.  This is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.  I want more than anything for him to be happy… content… safe… secure…  And I feel like I’m failing him.  Completely.

His needs right now are so simple and basic you’d think we could figure them out and meet each and every one.  My plan before he arrived was to respond promptly to every cry and correct the problem – hunger, dirty diaper, discomfort…  But interpretting the cries is harder than expected.  And even when I know what he wants sometimes he’s too frantic to be comforted right away.  I find myself thinking, “Why is he so unhappy?  Why can’t I make my baby happy?”  Who is it that said, “All you need is love”?  Apparently that’s not true because I SHOWER this little boy with all the love I can muster and he still cries. 

“Why does he cry?” I asked Jonathan.  “Because he’s an infant.” he responded. 

I want Asher to trust me.  I want to reason with him.  I find myself thinking, and maybe even saying, “Baby, I know you’re hungry.  I’m going to feed you.  I’ve fed you every single time you’ve been hungry so far.  I won’t fail you.  Just be patient and trust that I’m here.”  How long until they realize you’re there for them?  I mean I’ve met all his needs his whole life so far.  (Okay, so that’s 3 weeks…)  I’d do anything for him.  But he doesn’t know it.

I see the parallel with how God is with us and we sometimes have a hard time trusting His promises.  We forget that He has always been here, He loves us, and He has met all our needs, and will continue.  That would make a nice devotional.  I’m just too tired to bother writing it.

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He’s so small…

so helpless…

so dependent…

but ALL POWERFUL.

One blood-curdling scream and he’s got two full-grown adults scrambling to figure out and meet his every need.

We admit it.  He’s in control. 

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…I would panic.

But I’m not going to panic.

Asher’s birth certificate got processed so we went to the courthouse yesterday to pick up a certified copy.  Then we went to the post office to apply for his passport.  It should be ready in 4 weeks.  That’s April 21st.  We fly out April 26th.  Okay, so that’s tight.

Jonathan sat down last night to fill out the paperwork we need to get him into Tanzania.  He had some questions and emailed the branch.  She replied that we should submit the paperwork after we get his passport.  Um…okay…  So he asked if we could come while it’s in process.  She said that we should have bought our plane tickets after submitting the Tanzanian paperwork.  Well.  Round-trip tickets don’t quite work like that and we booked the flight out as late as we could based on the amount of maternity/paternity leave we get.

So now we’re facing an unreasonably tight timeline.  Will the passport come soon?  Will the Tanzanian paperwork get filled out and processed in time for us to leave on April 26th?  There’s no way to know but we pray it all works out.  I also pray that God keeps us relaxed and flexible to deal with whatever comes.

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I admit the first little bit with Asher was crazy busy.  I was running on about 3 hours of broken sleep a day.  But finally Jonathan and I have worked out a system where we take care of Asher efficiently and get back to sleep (when he lets us).  We’ve been getting about 6 hours of broken sleep a day. 

After Asher’s 2-week doctor’s appointment the doctor cleared us to let him go 6 hours between feedings.  That’s from the beginning of one feeding to the beginning of the next.  So last night I ended up sleeping for an hour, feeding him, sleeping for 5 hours, feeding him, then sleeping another hour.  I got 7 hours of sleep in 3 stretches.  That’s pretty good!

But each afternoon about the same time (around 4pm) I get really tired and want a nap.  I also want to get things done and that has won out every single day so far.  I guess I need to listen to my body and rest for a bit.  But even without that nap I should be fine on 7 hours of sleep.  Everyone needs a different amount of sleep I hear and I’m on the high end, preferring 8-9 hours a night so I’m under what I’d like to have but still - 7 hours is totally do-able – I’d think…

So here I am at 9pm dying.  My eyes are stinging.  I can hardly think.  I almost feel like I’m ”buzzing”.  I’m having a hard time holding my head up.  It makes no sense.  I don’t think I’m overly active during the day – for a normal person anyway.  Does giving birth and healing from it really take that much out of you?  They say you can’t catch up on sleep but can a lack of sleep build on itself from night to night?  Who knows.

All I know for sure is that I’m more tired than I would normally be on this amount of rest.  I guess, as usual, I’m expecting too much of myself.  I guess I’ll start obeying my body’s need for an afternoon nap.  I’m apparently going to have to. 

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