This entry was posted on Thursday, March 27th, 2008 at 6:00 am and is filed under Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.
How I Really Feel
I heard it was hard. They said babies cry. I was told it’s all give and no take for a long time in the beginning. While watching others go through this transition I saw how you could feel like a machine instead of a person.
But I still wasn’t prepared. No matter how clearly someone may have explained it to me, I couldn’t have fathomed this.
Before Asher was here I pictured a happy family. And a happy baby. Sweet, little bundle of joy who we would be responsible for. A beautiful baby boy who would be joining us – who we would pour our love onto. Memories in the making.
But I think I cry as much as Asher does. This is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I want more than anything for him to be happy… content… safe… secure… And I feel like I’m failing him. Completely.
His needs right now are so simple and basic you’d think we could figure them out and meet each and every one. My plan before he arrived was to respond promptly to every cry and correct the problem – hunger, dirty diaper, discomfort… But interpretting the cries is harder than expected. And even when I know what he wants sometimes he’s too frantic to be comforted right away. I find myself thinking, “Why is he so unhappy? Why can’t I make my baby happy?” Who is it that said, “All you need is love”? Apparently that’s not true because I SHOWER this little boy with all the love I can muster and he still cries.
“Why does he cry?” I asked Jonathan. “Because he’s an infant.” he responded.
I want Asher to trust me. I want to reason with him. I find myself thinking, and maybe even saying, “Baby, I know you’re hungry. I’m going to feed you. I’ve fed you every single time you’ve been hungry so far. I won’t fail you. Just be patient and trust that I’m here.” How long until they realize you’re there for them? I mean I’ve met all his needs his whole life so far. (Okay, so that’s 3 weeks…) I’d do anything for him. But he doesn’t know it.
I see the parallel with how God is with us and we sometimes have a hard time trusting His promises. We forget that He has always been here, He loves us, and He has met all our needs, and will continue. That would make a nice devotional. I’m just too tired to bother writing it.
3 Responses to “How I Really Feel”
March 27th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Jonathan is so right on this! He is an infant. Crying is his only way to say I am tired, I am hungry, I need a new diaper, my tummy hurts, or ‘mommy I am just not coping!’.
Sometimes you have to just accept his very loud and stressful communication and say ‘I don’t know what you want but I’m still here for you.”
On a practical note, Dr Sears the Baby Book is really helpful for discerning baby and mother needs.
Crying can be normal, you have all sorts of hormones flying around still in your body and trying to get back to normal. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
March 27th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Oh Dana. >>>>>>>> (That’s my representation of a big fat hug for you.)
You are SOOOO normal! I spent so much time crying in the first month of Cassia’s life too. (Well, OK, maybe we’re both abnormal, but at least we’re in it together.)
I think it’s probably even harder for an introverted perfectionist to adjust to life with a newborn. Hang in there. You’ll get into a good groove eventually. And it’s OK for Asher to cry. That’s just how he communicates. You’re doing such a great job. You holding him is EXACTLY what he needs and you are meeting his needs beautifully. Go gently on yourself. xo
March 27th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Thank you! Mwah!