Through the Seasons

It does matter

I go through these cycles.  Sometimes I reach the end of each day feeling satisfaction.  But other times I start feeling a bit…useless.  At that point my strategy is to try to “figure it out” and “fix it”.  Those are big things to me:  figuring it out and fixing it.  I’ve been on the downswing in the cycle the last few days and spent yesterday’s naptime (when I usually do my Bible study) in prayer. 

I’m realizing (with God’s help, wisdom, and guidance) that I haven’t been taking my job seriously enough.  Not that I haven’t been doing enough.  That I have.  In fact, getting busier (or getting things under tighter control) would be my normal reaction. 

No.  This isn’t about what I’m doing but about my state of mind. 

After I’ve read the same board book for the fifteenth time (something I thought I’d NEVER tire of), after I let him crawl up onto and over me for the hundredth time, after I’ve said “don’t stand on the furniture” for the millionth time, I think, “Am I making any difference at all?  Does what I do matter at all?” 

Because truthfully he’ll never remember these days – not consciously.  But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.  He is gaining more now than just memories he can recall to mind later on.  He’s developing and learning who he is in the world and in relation to us.  Honestly, a lot is going on that I don’t understand but what I have to remember is that what I am doing for him now DOES matter.  It’s not empty.  And although I’ll never know what impact I’m having on Asher, this is my job and (by golly) it’s an important one! 

No, I’m not doing anything highly creative or intellectual on a daily basis.  No, this is not a season in my life when I can accomplish it but these days are passing quickly, he’s only a baby once and (by golly again) I’m going to enjoy him!