Dana’s Avenue

Now that I reflect on this (see last post), I can better see it from her perspective and I see my missed opportunity.

1.  I have said hello to her in passing along the street so it’s not like I’ve never set eyes on her.

2.  We employ her husband.

3.  Her kids have been in the house (although not by invitation).

4.  She was planting our beans in our garden (although I didn’t realize that at the time - I figured it out later).

5.  It wasn’t like I was very busy.

6.  She did come “help” me calm Asher down when he was crying.

Do you think I’ll ever get to where I don’t have an immediate “American Dana” reaction when faced with cultural differences that make me uncomfortable?  Probably not.  But hopefully I can slide that direction a bit more.

I thought back to how Mama and I built our relationship and it was slowly, not forced upon me by her, and reciprocal.  She (and many other Tanzanians) invited us over to their house first (before inviting themselves over).  But Mama has in fact invited herself and her husband over for lunch in a way.  She hinted that it was appropriate to fix them lunch although they are the ones that decided to drop by.  And that was uncomfortable for me too but I got a lunch together and everyone had a good time.  This was still somehow different.  I’m sure here “dropping in” is a good thing but I just can’t imagine not “asking” to come by or setting a time in the future or something.  So still I am a little back and forth on it.  I think my logic is one place and my emotions are another.  I’m learning…

Asher was crying this afternoon because he desperately wanted to play with my phone and I wouldn’t let him.  Our guard’s wife (the family that lives 2 houses down) came to the door and I opened it.  She asked why Asher was crying and I told her.  She said, “Doesn’t he nurse?”  I said, “He nurses.”  She said, “Then just nurse him and he’ll go to sleep.”  “Just nurse him” is their answer for everything babies.  Oh that and the baby is cold.  She said she was planting beans in our garden with her husband (of which they will get some of the harvest) and heard Asher so came to see what was wrong.  That so annoyed me but I thought I handled it okay, said thank you, and sent her on her way.

From then on Asher never cried again.  I sat down and read him a book.  Mind you it had been about 30 minutes since she left and I heard her approach the door again.  But this time she just walked in and sat down.  Grrrrr…  She kept saying she was tired and she kept saying she’d hold Asher but she was dirty.  I have a feeling this was a big ol’ hint but I really didn’t want her holding Asher so I didn’t offer to - I don’t know - give her a bucket of water??

So finally after just sitting there and sitting there she said she’d leave but first she cleaned her dirt off my floor.  I told her not to worry about it but she wouldn’t hear of it.  As she was leaving Jonathan came home from work.  She told him (there in front of me) that she came into the house today and that she drank chai.  Grrr again.  What a way to hint what I should have done!  Just the whole thing irritated me to no end.  While she was inside I wasn’t thinking of how to be hospitable but how to get her out of the house.  I didn’t ask her over and I didn’t invite her in and I don’t know her.

(This is the mother of the kids who think they can just walk right in whenever they like too - until we put an end to that.)

I realize that this might be cultural here.  I’ll have to analyze and cope with that.  I don’t mind going a certain distance but to have someone just walk into my house whenever they feel like it and sit down for me to serve them tea…  I can’t imagine that ever happening.  Wait.  This is someone I don’t know!  If Mama was just “out” one day and dropped by I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it but I’d give her a soda and we’d sit and chat.  I just felt like something was being put on me against my will, outside of my decision to freely give from my heart.  I don’t think giving out of obligation (in whatever culture it happens to be) is very honoring to God so I try not to go to that extent. 

I do want to glorify God here.  Would Christ have just had her over?  Yes.  He was also sinless.  (I realize that’s taking an easy way out.)  I repent of not reaching out to them enough yet.  I have some of my own personality and culture to overcome there to be able to do that.  I just warm up to people.  I don’t just automatically reach out.  And in our culture strangers don’t pop over expecting a “treat”.  So those two things are getting in my way a bit.  I do want to reach out to them and I’m going to have to swallow my pride to do it because now I feel less like doing it than I did before.

This move has been extremely hard on us and adding new friendships/relationships in right now is just too much for either of us.  We’ve got things just barely livable at this point so “entertaining” isn’t very high on my list of “to-do’s”. 

Oh well.  That’s enough whining from me I suppose.  Boy those cultural differences will kick you in the gut!!

I compared Ephesians 2:1-10 with Titus 3:1-8 today.  They parallel quite a bit and I had such an a-ha moment.

It is so clear that I have been saved by His grace, mercy, kindness, love and not because of my own worth, merit, or deeds.  So, so, so clear.

Both passages explain all that then talk about us (believers) doing good works/deeds.  I’m telling you, I’ve read these passages before and I think I skimmed over “by grace you have been saved through faith” (yada, yada, yada) and then zeroed in on “you have been created for good works”. 

I must do good works.  I must perform good deeds for others.  It’s a “should” that I “should” be doing more of.  Sigh.  Sigh.  Guilt.  Guilt.  I used to think the Bible was the best tool in the world to make me feel guilty.  So many shoulds!

But NO!

We were created for good works.  Yes.  BUT.  The great news is that I am a child of God simply because He wanted me to be and that’s not because I had “been a good girl that year”.  It’s not because I had done enough to earn it.  AND we don’t have do do these good deeds to REMAIN children of God.  Now THAT is good news!!!!

So why “must” we do these good deeds?  Well.  I was reading Titus 3:8 and it really does convey a “should” I believe.  We “should” engage in good deeds.

But WHY?

“These things are good and profitable for men.”

Oh okay.  It doesn’t earn me favor with God.  It doesn’t keep me as a child of God.  It doesn’t keep Him from getting mad at me or kicking me out or leaving me.  It’s good for me…  for us…

Yay for Bible study!!!  I LOVE IT!

Well another new year to begin.  This one came in with probably the smallest amount of fanfare that I can ever remember.  On December 30th Mama came in and said she wouldn’t be working today.  I was like, what??  Who goes into their employer and informs them that they’re taking a day off?  It was so odd.  So I asked her why.  She said she was going to church.  I asked her why.  She said to thank God.  I asked her why.  She said to thank God for a new year.

GASP.

It’s New Year’s!  I had forgotten. 

With the move we’re enduring at the moment (still currently without running water but so, so, so close) it just slipped me by.

But as I think of this new year I realize that Asher will turn a year old, begin walking, talking, really eating solids, and may quit nursing.  (I can’t even imagine!!)  And what else is in store for him this year!?  Who knows!!

I’m continuing my “Bible-by-Forty” plan by focusing on Ephesians this month.  Next month will be Genesis.  (I’ve started Genesis on so many Januarys with the idea to read through the Bible that I just couldn’t set myself up like that again.)  So Ephesians it is and what a wonderful book to study (especially for Gentiles)!

Jonathan and I are going to begin observing the Sabbath and attempt to keep it holy beginning tomorrow evening.  We’ve also been studying the Feasts of the Lord in Leviticus 23 and plan to begin celebrating/observing those each Spring and Fall.

I am planning to cut my internet usage down to 3 days a week:  Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Not that I’m addicted to the internet or anything.  I just think it’d be a good idea…

We’ll be doing what we can to save money this year including eating meat only for our special Sabbath (Friday evening) meal.  Scaling back on internet will also be helpful.  And I have a few other ideas to curb spending where we can.

One of my personal goals is to be more assertive and direct in my communication.  That’ll be a stretch for me so I may extend that goal out to “by the time I’m forty” as well. 

I didn’t sit down and decide to have New Year’s Resolutions or anything like that.  These are just things that have come up and I mention them merely because it is, in fact, a new year.  The goals I have for myself are so much better than the ones of the past:  lose weight, grow my hair out, get a tan…  Yawn…  Yay for growing older!

But ask me again how I feel about that when I turn 40.  Yikes!

The clouds are dark!  The wind is blowing!  The rain is starting to fall!  I pray our water tank gets filled up so we have a fully working house!  I’ve never been so excited about running water in all my life! 

It says so right there in Second Opinions 3:2.

I really did believe that.  I didn’t realize it though because I didn’t actively think about it.  Through my study of the Psalms one thing that really struck me is how much God reaches out to the poor, helpless, and needy.  He’s not looking for self-sufficient or independent people.  As Jesus said, the sick are the ones who need a doctor.

But still somewhere deep inside I don’t want to ask God for help unless I have exhausted all of my other resources because it’s what I should do.  It’s just a cultural belief that I have applied to God with no Biblical basis for it.

What I should do is humble myself, admit my weaknesses, and run to my Helper.  Why try to do on my own what I can’t when He’s there with unlimited power to rescue, deliver, and protect me?

From where does my help come from?  It comes from the Lord.

Yesterday was a good day.  Asher woke bright and early at 6:15.  We changed him into his “Christmas morning” outfit, changed his diaper, then noticed him acting sleepy.  So I nursed him and he was asleep again by 7:15.  At 8:30 Jonathan and I woke up and got dressed.  Shortly after, Asher woke up, this time a bit more refreshed.

Then we opened gifts.  Oh it’s so much fun with a child!  By the end of it he figured out how to pull the wrap off the gift himself (after we loosened the tape of course).  His main gifts were: 

from us - a wooden alligator that bends and rolls around (you can hook a string to the front to pull it), a wooden bangle bracelet that we figure he’ll like to bang on stuff, a soccer ball

from grandparents - books, blocks, Little Rascals DVD, a learning bear, bath toys, and probably his favorite so far is a zoo toy.  You bang it with a gavel and the animal pops up, makes a sound, then plays music.  He loves to bang on stuff so this is right up his alley! 

So he had a great Christmas and got lots of stuff!  Jonathan and I did too.  From family we got clothes, DVDs, books, calendar, and an ice cream maker (yum).  Jonathan and I got each other 1 gift each.  He got me a nativity scene at a store here (I collect nativity scenes…or would like to anyway).  It’s a plaque of wood with Mary, Joseph and Jesus carved out of wood on it.  I got Jonathan the new Jeremy Camp CD.  Actually I took a piece of cardboard and wrote “Jeremy Camp CD” on it then wrapped it.  I wasn’t sure if I should order it or download it…  So he gets to figure that part out.

Okay, this is a long post and we’ve only gotten through opening gifts so far.  Maybe I’m giving you too many details but let’s keep going…

After presents we got ready to go to church at Mama’s.  She told us that church is at 11am and lunch is at 1:30.  We told her 11am on Christmas morning would be very hard for us but we’d do what we could.  We said, “We can be late right?  If you say 11am it probably won’t start until later.”  She said that actually they tell people church is at 10am so 11am would be closer to on time.  Haha.  Anyway.  We got there just before 1pm.  We had to stop on the way to get a gift for them.  You take a gift to someone when they have you over for a meal.  We took them 5 kilos of rice and a bag of candy for the kids.

When we arrived church was already over.  We had some hanging out time with them then ate lunch.  They served a HUGE meal by Tanzanian standards.  A huge and expensive meal.  We had 2 kinds of rice (one with spices in it and one without), beef stew, cucumber, and bananas.  Then we hung out a bit longer and left about 3:30. 

We swung by the old house to get a load of stuff from there then to our place to cut up veggies for our evening meal with friends.  American friends.  Heehee.

We got there at 6pm, ate a FABULOUS meal (just picture a good Christmas meal and that’s what we had), then played Mexican Train Dominoes until 10pm.  We went home feeling so tired.  Two of us anyway.  Asher wanted to play again!  So he finally gave up at 11 and we “slept it off”. 

This morning we go get the rest of our stuff out of our temporary house.  Then have lunch with coworkers.  After that we go get stuff out of our old house (hopefully all of it).  What a busy day!  I guess we’ll rest tomorrow.  Maybe we’ll make it an “ice cream and movies” day.  Yippee!!

I have always had a problem with assertiveness.  To simply want something and express it with direct words is very hard for me.  I think, “Do I really have the right to ask for that?”  Usually that means I let the frustration of putting my wants and needs aside add up until I get angry and then I can say what I want because it has gotten “bad enough”.  It’s crazy and illogical I know.  But boy is it a hard habit to break!

Here at the new house some neighbor kids came to play with Asher today.  That’s all fine and good.  Asher really, really enjoyed it.  But then the oldest girl (maybe 7) asked to take Asher to her house and return with him later.  Eeks.  Gasp.  Gulp.  What to do?  What to do?  I didn’t want her to.  I don’t know them very well.  And take him how far exactly?  How many people will be there?  And even if I didn’t have a reason I could verbalize, I’m his mother and I wasn’t comfortable with the situation so the answer in my head was ‘no’.  But could I simply say ‘no’? 

I went for it.  I said, “Sorry.  No.”  She repeated that she would return with him.  I said, “You can play with him here only.  Sorry.”  She was sooooooooooo disappointed.  I pushed the guilt aside and walked away.  I just couldn’t deal with it.

I was curious what is acceptable in this culture though so after the kids got to playing again I asked Mama if it was okay to tell her ‘no’.  She said ‘yes’ because a lot of people would be there and he would get passed around from person to person to person.  Yay then.  I did okay on all fronts.

Later Asher fell asleep and I laid him down.  The 3 kids were playing in our living room.  I didn’t feel like this was a good idea.  How do I politely tell people to leave my house?  Geez.  How difficult!!  So I told them that since Asher is asleep they have to play outside.  (Their father is here working so that’s why they’re here at all.)  So they left but ventured back inside.  I told Mama that I told them to play outside.  She turned to the kids and said, “Play outside.  Or.  Go home and play with Asher sometime later when he’s awake again.”  And off they went!  Aha!  So it’s that easy, is it?

Again I asked Mama if it was okay to tell them that.  She said ‘yes’.  She said that they tried to take the toys outside but she brought them in.  Her idea is to get some kind of outside toy where the kids could play outside.  She also said it’s a good idea to tell the kids, “You can come play after lunch today for 1 hour.”  And that’s it.  Stick to it.  She explained that otherwise they would want to be here playing all the time.  And that’s not okay. 

No.  It’s not. 

I want to be culturally sensitive here.  I want to be hospitable, friendly, and a good neighbor.  But too many times in my life those type of desires have caused me to shoot myself in the foot.  So I wonder.  Is this a test??  Okay it’s true I’ve had a hard time setting boundaries for myself - but - now we’re talking about my child.  And that’s a whole different ballgame.  If I don’t protect him and take care of him who will!?!?  Right.  No one.  Worse yet.  What message am I sending him when I don’t stand up for him?  That he’s not worth it?  That he’s not that important?  Banish the thought!

So I hope I passed this small test today.  I’m not ready for the ones to come but I will push through it.  The worse thing that can happen is for the kids in the neighborhood to be offended right?  And Mama already said that’s not going to happen.  So… 

Gulp.

Deep Breath.

I will set boundaries around my sweet baby.  Because he is, in fact, worth it - even when it’s hard or uncomfortable for me.  He’s more important than my shakey emotions.  I can do this! 

(Excuse me while I continue my pep talk…)

So I had a bit of a pity party today.  We’re still moving.  Our stuff is in 3 different locations.  We don’t have power or water and hit a snag with that whole process today.  The only store where you can buy Christmas gifts has been closed the last 3 times we’ve gone by there.  (Is it Christmas Eve eve or not!?!?)  The dogs have a major flea problem for some reason.  We haven’t decorated the house at all yet.  I made my annual chocolate cake last night but still haven’t managed to put icing on it.  I can’t seem to get a picture of Asher in Christmas clothes before he has spit up or spilled something on them.  In general I feel disheveled and displaced.

I don’t know.  It’s just a lot to take.  I felt defeated and considered just throwing Christmas out the window completely.  So I sulked a bit and teared up a bit and grumbled a bit…  Thankfully my Scrooge-itude didn’t last until Christmas morning. 

I realize life could be worse.  A lot worse!  I know a couple of families that have been split up recently.  There is a woman in my mom’s church who buried her 2-year old daughter today.  There are people who have just lost their jobs…  people who are struggling with their health…  So no - it’s not that bad really in the grand scheme of things.  And even if it seemed bad at the time…

I am still progressing through the Psalms right now and that really refreshed my outlook today.  It was helpful to remember that we praise the Lord because He is good… not when we think He is good… or if we think He is good.  He is good and to be praised at all times.

Saturday evening we moved the bed, stove, fridge, and a few essentials to the new house.  And we’ve been moving ever since.  The plan is to get everything out of our temporary place today then get the rest from the old house later this week. 

Lots still has to be done on the new house.  The plumbing system has to be hooked up, the inside doors hung, the kitchen cabinets, shelves for the pantry, and wardrobe for the bedroom all have to be built…  But it’s nice so far and none of these things should take an exorbitant amount of time.

And of course this week is Christmas so I have shopping, decorating, wrapping, and baking to do!  Yay!  I may leave my decorations up (and eat goodies) a little longer than usual this year because of our late start.  The plan for Asher is to video his first Christmas AND take pictures.

I’m so excited for Christmas and about moving.  Right at this moment my two favorite boys are taking a nap even to the sound of doors being installed.  Amazing that they can do that really but I may try to join them.