Through the Seasons

I realize now that I have given the impression that Asher cries a lot.  I should clarify.

I’ve been asked if he’s a good baby.  Of course he is.  No matter what.  If it were true he screamed all the time he’d still be perfect because his fussiness isn’t his fault.  He’s just trying to tell us what he needs.  If he didn’t cry at all, we’d never know to help him.

But he doesn’t scream all the time.  I’ve never been around babies so I didn’t know what to expect.  I thought it was as simple as him crying and me going through a checklist of possible problems, solving it, and him calming down.  At first, this was not our pattern.  It’s getting better.  He’s starting to trust that we’ll be there to help him.  He doesn’t stay as upset for as long as he used to.

I’ve also been asked how much inconsolable crying he does.  Okay, not much.  I’ll admit that in the beginning I thought he did have inconsolable crying.  I now think he could have been consoled if I hadn’t been clueless.  The answer is usually pretty simple with him.  He loves to be held.  Upright.  On the shoulder.  That’s the solution 90% of the time.  The only time I can’t help him is if he’s gassy.  But it does go away and he does end up feeling better. 

Yes, he does get fussy.  Never, it seems, without reason.  We are all learning how to be a family.  We’re figuring out how to help and care for him.  He’s beginning to understand we’re responsive to his needs.  I’m still disturbed by his crying, especially when it escalates to a scream, but isn’t that the way it should be?  If it didn’t phase me then I’d be worried.

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What did I hear about nursing while I was pregnant?  “Nursing is natural but not instinctual.”

Well now how could that be!?  I didn’t believe it.  God designed the whole process.  He made a mother’s milk the perfect nutrition for her baby.  They’ve figured it out since the beginning of time.  How hard could it really be?

Hard!

There should really be nursing support groups.  And maybe there are.  Anyone embarking on this journey now or in the near future – a word of warning:  it’s true.  Nursing is natural but not instinctual.  There are challenges.  There is pain.  Apparently you get through it.  I’m still at the beginning.  I’ve come a long way but not out of the woods yet. 

Anyone want to be a part of a support group to encourage each other as we go through our own nursing journeys?  I’m open to it.  And I think it’s important to have help during this time.  I’m determined to give this gift to my child.  Painful or not.  Hard or not.  He’s more than worth it!

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…is that labor and delivery is NOT the most painful part of motherhood.

Real pain and heartache is seeing this

and not being able to help.

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For the past 3 weeks I’ve watched my patience level diminish.  At first I was running on adrenaline.  Now I’m just tired. 

I’m not jovial.  I’m not sociable.  The dogs drive me nuts.  Everything has the potential of driving me nuts.

It’s weird because things are getting better.  The nursing is working out and becoming more enjoyable.  I’m feeling less like a machine and have been able to spend more quality time with Asher.  I’m eating actual meals instead of just grabbing a quick bite here and there when I get extremely hungry.  I feel connected to my friends and I’ve gotten out some. 

Okay, so maybe I’m still not getting adequate sleep but I’m going to have to give up that dream anyway.  I assume my body will adjust.  Right?!?  And it’s true that I’ve slept less the last couple nights and I don’t guess I can handle any loss of the little bit of broken sleep I’m getting these days. 

With that said, I’m off to try to get some shut eye…  after I feed Asher…  and pump…  and fix lunch…  and clean up after lunch…  and start a load of laundry…  and probably by then it’ll be time to feed Asher again…  sigh…  But I will get some extra sleep today…  I need it.

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I heard it was hard.  They said babies cry.  I was told it’s all give and no take for a long time in the beginning.  While watching others go through this transition I saw how you could feel like a machine instead of a person.

But I still wasn’t prepared.  No matter how clearly someone may have explained it to me, I couldn’t have fathomed this.

Before Asher was here I pictured a happy family.  And a happy baby.  Sweet, little bundle of joy who we would be responsible for.  A beautiful baby boy who would be joining us – who we would pour our love onto.  Memories in the making.

But I think I cry as much as Asher does.  This is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.  I want more than anything for him to be happy… content… safe… secure…  And I feel like I’m failing him.  Completely.

His needs right now are so simple and basic you’d think we could figure them out and meet each and every one.  My plan before he arrived was to respond promptly to every cry and correct the problem – hunger, dirty diaper, discomfort…  But interpretting the cries is harder than expected.  And even when I know what he wants sometimes he’s too frantic to be comforted right away.  I find myself thinking, “Why is he so unhappy?  Why can’t I make my baby happy?”  Who is it that said, “All you need is love”?  Apparently that’s not true because I SHOWER this little boy with all the love I can muster and he still cries. 

“Why does he cry?” I asked Jonathan.  “Because he’s an infant.” he responded. 

I want Asher to trust me.  I want to reason with him.  I find myself thinking, and maybe even saying, “Baby, I know you’re hungry.  I’m going to feed you.  I’ve fed you every single time you’ve been hungry so far.  I won’t fail you.  Just be patient and trust that I’m here.”  How long until they realize you’re there for them?  I mean I’ve met all his needs his whole life so far.  (Okay, so that’s 3 weeks…)  I’d do anything for him.  But he doesn’t know it.

I see the parallel with how God is with us and we sometimes have a hard time trusting His promises.  We forget that He has always been here, He loves us, and He has met all our needs, and will continue.  That would make a nice devotional.  I’m just too tired to bother writing it.

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I think I already posted on this but now that Asher is here I am bothered by it all over again.

As you know if you’ve read this blog a while, I am all about things having clear answers.  That’s my personality.  I’m an accountant.  We calculate and analyze to come up with solid solutions.  There is one right answer to every problem.  And I view life sort of that way too.  (I say “sort of” to make myself feel less like a freak.  You can read that sentence without “sort of” to know how I really think.)  There is one right way to do something and every other way is wrong.  Not to be judgmental on those who make different choices.  I don’t really care what other people do.  For myself, I feel best when I have found THE answer and I implement it.  It makes me feel secure.  It’s not about “being right” but being confident that I’m not making a mistake.  Simple as that.

Asher has rocked my world.  One expert says he should have this number of dirty/wet diapers a day.  Another has a different number.  Errr…  Some say one way is best to get your child to sleep.  Others say that way is horrible and this opposite way is best.  Should I wake my baby to feed him or let him sleep?  There are opposite opinions on this too.  Everyone has opinions but no one seems to have THE answer.  So I’m supposed to use my instinct, right?  But what if it’s wrong!?  Where is the rule book?  I want to BE SURE (a big thing for me!) I am doing THE BEST for that sweet little boy who is dependent on us for his very life and well-being.  And I mean 110% sure – no doubt about it – this is the RIGHT way.

But it’s not going to happen is it?  No one has a formula for raising happy, healthy kids do they?  One clear and clearly researched answer to every question.  Man!  This is a tough pill to swallow.

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I was told by many to sleep when baby sleeps.

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Jonathan and I are staying with my parents while we’re in the States.  Now that Asher is here they enjoy him, are available to us, but don’t try to parent him for us. 

For the second night in a row Asher got extremely fussy.  Again I thought it was how he was feeding.  We checked the normal things.  Is he hungry?  Is his diaper dirty?  Does he need to burp?  Does his tummy hurt?  We just absolutely couldn’t figure it out and were looking at another heartbreaking night.

There’s no point having grandparenting wisdom in the next room and not using it when needed.  So I got my mom up out of bed.  She started walking around with him and asked for a blanket.  Once she wrapped him up in that he calmed down and fell right to sleep in her arms.  Wow.

Sometimes the answer is surprisingly simple.

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I have a lot of blog ideas but just haven’t had time to write them yet.  In the meantime I just wanted to give a quick update as to how our first days at home have been.

Asher is doing wonderfully.  He’s eating and sleeping regularly.  No, not through the night.  No, he has no schedule.  But for his health he is getting enough food and sleep – and that’s what is truly important.  He’s also extremely alert and observant.  He has wonderful periods of time during the day where he looks around, pays attention, takes it all in, and studies your face.  Those times are short but sweet. 

Jonathan and I are tracking Asher’s dirty and wet diapers to make sure he’s getting the nourishment he needs.  Who knew I’d be so proud and happy each time someone poops, pees, and burps.  I actually get a little excited.

Then there’s Jonathan and I.  We are extremely happy, filled with joy, stunned with awe, overwhelmed, and tired.  There is no trace of a routine for us but we’re trying to work something out.  I’ve consistently added a bit more sleep to each day although I’m still extremely low on it as of now.  If we consistently work on getting the sleep we need throughout the day we’ll catch up and begin feeling better.  Asher is totally worth the sleep deprivation but we also know we can go like this only so long before it catches up with us so we’re making our acclimation a priority.

I wrote this post yesterday morning and now things have taken a dramatic turn.  We’re all still healthy but Asher began reacting differently to his feedings, getting a lot fussier between feedings, and just not acting like his “normal” self.  (My milk just came in and changed the way he nurses.)  We had a really rough night last night.  It was heartbreaking.  But.  We figured some things out and now he’s doing well again.  Jonathan and I are still trying to recover from it all – both physically and emotionally.  So pray for us…

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I went through a time in my life when I wanted to study the Bible until I knew it.  I mean all of it.  No stone unturned.  I would have no unanswered questions.  The pursuit toward that goal was more than frustrating.  The Bible is too deep, too mysterious, and too complex to truly ever reach the bottom.  I couldn’t know God the way I thought I could.  I figured out that at the moment I thought I knew God (if I were ever to get to that point) that I would be more mistaken than ever.Apparently, the spiritual journey is a lot like parenting.  You never arrive.

The more I hear from parents and the more I read in books I realize this is just another never-ending journey.  You don’t learn everything then stop.  You get to know that particular child and how to raise him or her.  At each stage of life you are learning how to deal with the issues involved.  With the next child I believe (or at least, hope) you know more but, alas, this is yet another child, another personality, another individual.  And you’re off learning again.

So I’ve hung up my goal of learning everything I need to know before he arrives and I’m settled in for the ride.  Jonathan, Asher, and I will be in this thing together finding out more about each other all the time.  I kind of like it this way.

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